Living In Alignment (Part 1)

*This is the first of several pieces I plan to write here on my blog which may also appear on the 320 Coach blog.* 

Living in Alignment - An Introduction

A couple months ago I was in a fairly serious car accident.  My son, Colin, and I were at a near standstill in rush hour traffic when we were rear-ended by a Ford Fusion at about 65 MPH!  It felt like our whole car exploded.  As we were almost instantly sent flying into the car in front of us, our front airbags deployed and we did a one-eighty.  Within a half-second, we were left facing backward on the highway, car filled with the dust from the airbag and the horn blaring continuously.  It was pretty much like a scene out of a movie. Thankfully and miraculously, neither Colin nor I were seriously hurt.  I had some bruises and a weird burn all the way down my left arm and was extremely sore for a few days and Colin hurt his thumb.  I think his airbag caught it on the way out.

Although we were both alright, we wanted to get checked out.  We saw a doctor who thought we were fine, but he suggested we go see our chiropractor too.  The next week, we were at the chiropractor and Colin was asking how the chiropractor fixes your back and neck.  I explained it this way.  He doesn't actually fix your back or neck, he aligns it.  If it was truly damaged (broken bone, torn ligament, etc) you would not want him to touch it.  However, what usually happens is the vertebrae, which are pretty free to move and pivot, sometimes move and pivot in a way that gets out of alignment.  When they get misaligned, they put pressure on a nerve and this is where you get the proverbial "pain in the neck" or back or whatever,  So, as I explained to Colin, when the chiropractor realigns those vertebrae, it allows your body to achieve the natural state of health it was designed for in the first place.  Misalignment = pain.  Alignment = fully functional.

That conversation got me thinking about other types of alignment.  Shift with me now.  I'm no longer talking about physical alignment in your body.  Let's think bigger than that.  What other types of alignment are there?  What else needs to see proper alignment in order to avoid pain and be fully functional?  I can think of a few and I plan to give you some more specific and in-depth thoughts about what these particular types of alignment may look like and how you can achieve them in your life.  But those are in the future.  For today, let me just share with you the types of alignment I want to cover in the coming weeks.

1. Personal - Do you know yourself?  Most people don't.  Until you do the work to get to know yourself, you'll be misaligned in many of the specific areas we'll hit on in the coming weeks. 
2. Vocational - You are gifted and well-suited for certain types of work in certain fields.  If you hate your job, it's probably not because the job is so bad.  You are probably misaligned.
3. Family - Famiy dynamics are tough to figure out.  Most often, we assume our famiy members should be just like us and we try to fit them into that mold.  That's misalignment and conflict ensues.
4. Geographic - Do you live in a place that feeds your soul?  We don't think about this much, but I'm looking forward to exporing how geographical alignment can be a game-changer for you.
5. Spiritual - There are many different churches and communities of faith with many different doctrines and cultures.  If you're not in one that fits, you're misaligned.  You'll want to blame the church, but it's probably just a bad fit.

I hope this has sparked some new thoughts for you.  My plan is to write five more posts specifically exploring each of the five misalignments I listed above.  Are there other areas where alignment is vital?  I'd love to hear from you.  Leave a comment and share your thoughts.  

Punch Your Fears In The Face (excerpt from my upcoming new book)

Have you ever been afraid?  Have you ever doubted yourself?  I'm in the final stages of a book manuscript that covers a time in my life where I was very afraid and I doubted myself very much.  I sure didn't do everything right, but I did a few things right.  Below is an excerpt from my book manuscript.  This is one thing I did right.  I was bold and punched my fear in the face.  I hope this is inspiring to you today.

From my upcoming, yet untitled, book:

Making a difference in the world is fairly broad job description.  That was going to take some focus.  Like I’ve said before, one of the best ways to decide who you are is to decide who you are not.  It’s process of elimination and it takes effort, risk and some time.  As Summer turned to Fall in 2012, I was mowing less grass and picking up more leaves.  It’s the nature of the landscaping business.  As I spent those countless hours with a leaf blower strapped to my back and earplugs in my ears, it was just God and me for most of the day.  I knew I wasn’t to quit on life.  I knew God had a purpose for me to make a difference as a coaching leader.  But how would God accomplish that work through me?  I was still very unclear on that.   There were a couple fundamental questions I needed to answer.  The first was, which arena would I be making this difference in?  The previous 18 years of my life had all centered around church ministry.  My only real career had been church ministry.  But, just months out of the biggest ministry disaster and personal pain I had ever endured, did I want to dive back into ministry?  This was a real question I had to explore.  I prayed about that often.  I talked with Sara about it often.  I confided in her that sometimes I wondered if church leaders were second-rate leaders who couldn’t really make it in the business world.  Maybe those guys were the real rock stars.  I just didn’t know, but I was curious enough to venture into the business world, just a little. 

I saw a listing for openings for Farmers Insurance.  Of course, there are always openings like these.  It’s the business model for some insurance companies.  They interview as many people as they can, tell them all they can have their own business, train them and set them up as agents, all the while, knowing that 90% plus will fail.  But, the 10% who stick will make the company and themselves some good money.  I guess it’s a good business plan, except for the 90% who feel like failures on the back end.  I guess that’s a different story for a different time.

So, with the understanding of what I was interviewing for, I took an opportunity to be bold.  I showed up for my interview at a small mid-town office with a District manager named Kirk.  He was a good guy and I could tell he had been, himself, a successful agent.  He started with the normal spiel about how successful I could be and how I was “just the kind of person they were looking for.”  When he asked me for my thoughts I told him I was not at all the kind of person they were looking for, but I was the kind of person they needed.  He was a bit taken aback but seemed intrigued enough to not ask me to immediately leave.  He asked me to elaborate.  I proceeded to tell him that I hated sales.  I would never be good at it because I didn’t want to be good at it.  If the only job openings they had was for more people to sell more insurance, our conversation was over.  He was still listening so I went on to tell him that what I could bring to his team was almost 20 years of leadership experience and an understanding and passion for a coaching style of leadership.  “Imagine how much more insurance your agents could sell if they had a coach who could help them be their best.”, I said.  He put his hand up, much like Simon Cowell does when he's heard enough of an awful American Idol audition.  I stopped my pitch.  “It’s very interesting that you would show up here today with this coaching thing in mind.  It just so happens that Farmers has a program just like that set to launch in a couple test markets very soon.” 

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As it turned out, Farmers Insurance also suspected their agents could perform better if they were being coached.  Kirk told me that he would really like to hire me, but his district, unfortunately, was not one of the test markets, but he had a friend who was over the East Tulsa district and that was one of the test markets.  He made a call to his friend, Cory, about this strange guy who showed up for a sales interview squawking about coaching. I left there without a job offer, but I did have another interview scheduled and this time it was for a job I could actually see myself doing.  But much more importantly, I left that day with a new confidence in myself.  I was more than just a church leader.   I held my own with these business guys just fine.  It was a liberating and invigorating feeling. 

Here's what you need to notice.  Don't miss this or you miss it all.  That liberation and invigoration came only after I faced my fear and walked it down.  I pray that this will inspire you to walk your fears down.  Imagine who you can become on the other side of fear . . .

3 Reasons I Did and 4 Reasons I Did Not Vote For Trump. Twice.

Just like you, I had my reasons for voting my conscience on Tuesday of this week. Well, I guess I can't actually prove I voted.  I didn't get the sticker.  Actually, I refused the sticker because I was so frustrated by the time I finished.  I got to the front of the line to discover I forgot my ID.  I went home, got my ID and waited in the line again. I filled out the ballot only to discover I had put a tiny little black smudge in a "no" box on a question I had already voted "yes" on.  That made my ballot a "tainted ballot".  I had to sign a form saying I had tainted it and then had to get in the line again to fill out a new ballot. After my third time through the line and second ballot filled out, I was ready to punch the guy in the face when he offered me the sticker.  I guess that's neither here or there, but I did vote.

Actually, I voted twice.  Once this week and once during the primary elections.  Both times I voted for Donald Trump.  If you can keep reading this and not burn my house down, I'll tell you why I did and why I did not vote the way I did.  

3 Reasons I Voted For Trump . . .

1.  He's not bought and paid for.  It's always seemed illogical to me that a candidate would take campaign donations from wealthy and powerful individuals and then pretend he did not owe those individuals or their interests down the line.  How can a person lead effectively from this position? Trump's personal wealth allowed him to run his primary campaign and much of the general election campaign from his own money.  If nobody paid for him to get there, nobody has anything to say about how he will operate once he gets there.  *If my facts are wrong about his campaign funding, I will concede that.  I'm just writing about my best understanding at the time I cast my votes*

2.  It's the economy, stupid.  I heard Bill Clinton say this in the 90's and it made me think he was a very shallow and dishonorable man.  Turns out, I was probably right, but not for the statement he made about the economy.  Decades later, I find myself looking at the incredible taxation rates, government proliferation, and growing national debt, and I'm left saying, "It's the economy, stupid."  I'm not a financial wizard, but I know that no family, organization or government can continue on the financial trajectory we've been on for some time and survive.  I believe Trump will influence our nation to make better economic choices.  I'm not a person driven by money, but I know enough to know that without it, we cease to be a nation.

3.  He's a leader.  This is the biggest reason I voted for Trump.  I don't recall a president in office during my lifetime who was truly a leader.  I'm not talking about a diplomat.  Trump is definitely no diplomat.  A diplomat calls people together and helps them work together cordially.  A leader calls the right people and puts them in the right positions to get the most important things done.  I don't think we need a diplomat leading us.  I think we need a leader.

4 Reasons I Did Not Vote For Trump . . .

1.  I'm a Christian.  I am, but it's irrelevant to the election.  A friend of mine recently commented online about how the "evangelical community voted", assuming that their faith somehow mindlessly informed their vote.  I thought that was very presumptuous of him to lump all evangelicals together and assume they're all mindless.  I'm not a fan of the term, but I am one of those evangelicals.  I most certainly did not vote for Trump because of my Christian convictions.  I voted for him for reasons stated above.

2.  I'm a registered Republican.  I am, but only because being a registered independent excludes me from primary elections.  I would imagine a partisan system had some value at some point.  However, in my lifetime, I've seen nothing but division driven by ridiculous generality-fueled accusations leveled at one another.  It all seems a little sick to me.  I couldn't care less which party a given candidate belongs to.

3.  I'm a racist, bigoted, hate-monger.  I am not.  And I resent the claims of many who say I am because I voted for a certain candidate.  I would submit that those making those types of accusations are guilty of what they say they abhor.

4.  He's the lesser of two evils.  I reject this claim.  It is funny how much more relaxed I was casting my vote for Trump this week than I was during the primary election.  By November most of my "evangelical" contemporaries seemed to have conceded Trump was the lesser of two evils, thus I could speak of my support for him without backlash.  Not so during the primary season.  I passed on Cruz, Kasich and Rubio because I had no confidence in their ability to lead our nation.  I voted my conscience that day (for the exact reasons I listed above) and I was terrified to tell anyone, but my wife.  I hoped all day that nobody would ask me, point blank, who I voted for.  Someone finally did.  Sheepishly, I said I voted for Trump and they screamed, "What?!"  I guess it was assumed Christians were voting for Cruz.  But I don't like Cruz all that much.

So, I voted my conscience.  Twice.  Draw what conclusions you will about me.  Will Trump make America great again?  I don't know that he will any more than you know that he will not.  I hope he will and that's why I voted for him.  Not because I think he's a great guy, but because I think we have a great country that's on a wrong path.  I would love to know why you voted the way you did.  I truly mean that.

How To Be Successful

I'm a successful person.  Does that sound arrogant?  Maybe delusional?  It's funny how we all feel like we can easily define what it means to be a successful person.  It's one of those things we think we know how to do, but if anyone questioned us, we would be at a loss.  Kind of like, "Hey do you know to spell the word conscience?"  Or maintenance. Or supersede. Or liaison.  Or pharaoh.  Yeah, I had to look up the spelling on all of them, but it seems like I know how to spell them.  Until I try.

So, how do we know if someone is successful?

How much money does a person need to make to be successful?
Do they need to be married?
Do they need to be single?
Do they need to be an American?
Do they need to be white?
Do they need to be black?
Do they need a white collar job?
Do they need to own their own home?
Do they need to have children?
What if they have a handicapped child?  Still successful?
Does one's level of success depend on how they compare to others?

Do you get my point?  Success is not about any of these or a thousand other superficial issues. Success is about who you choose to be.  It's about your mindset and your values.  Your values will shape your behaviors and your behaviors are actually what make you a success or a failure.   There's a neat little sign to the right containing some great value-based behaviors that probably have a lot to do with success and failure. Give them a look.

So, it's up to you.  Success or failure?  You cannot blame anyone else if you see yourself as a failure.  It's just up to you.  

The Substitute For Hard Work

There isn’t one.  Sorry.  I’m the same way.  I want to figure out some principle or shortcut to skip some of the hard work that’s necessary to be who I’d like to be.  This is true in my marriage, my relationships with my kids, my career, physical fitness and everything else that I’ll ever aspire to be great in.  

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “Well, yeah.  Of course.  Everyone knows this. Why even write about it?”, you’re forgetting that you struggle with this too.  I’m writing this to remind you that the struggle is worth the pain.  The hard work you’re putting in now will pay off for you later, both in ways you might expect and ways you've never imagined.  

It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger.  Keep up the good (hard) work. 

5 Steps To Deliver "Bad News" With Good (ok, better) Results

How do you deliver bad news?  That's a tough question.  My friend, Chris Colvin, and I did a short phone interview this week about just that topic.  Chris was asking me to share some thoughts about how I went about sharing some bad news several years ago with my church.  Years ago, and another lifetime ago, I was a church planter.  I started a brand new church from scratch back in 2010.  Well, a few months into 2012 I knew I was done.  I had to face a few hard facts.  I was not good in the role of lead pastor, things were going the wrong direction, and most importantly to my decision, serving as the pastor of that church was killing me and killing my family.  I had to get very real about the commitments I had made. While a number of people were counting on me, as their pastor, I had taken an oath to just one person.  That person was my wife, Sara.  When I boiled it down to that, it was the right decision to leave that church.

However, just because a decision is right, that does not make it easy to deliver the news of that decision.  Here are a few thoughts I shared with Chris about how to deliver "bad news", based on my experience leaving that church and letting people know what was happening.  I hope this helps you in your situation today.

1.  Ask yourself, "Is this really bad news or is it just surprising?"  News is just news.  Whether it's good, bad or indifferent news is determined subjectively by each one of us based on a dozen different criteria and circumstances.  So, don't assume news that you think might be perceived as 'bad news' is necessarily that.  Instead, go into it with the outlook that you're delivering 'surprising news'.  You might find that people already had a pretty good sense of what was coming, anyhow.  We like to think we hold our cards close to our vest, but our issues and intentions are usually more obvious than we like to believe.  Don't make the mistake of framing it up as bad news for someone else.

2.  Do it in person.  If you're delivering any kind of significant news, especially that which could be perceived as "bad news", don't take the coward's way out and do it in an email or text message.  Pastors, don't do it in a video to be played to your church.  If you care about the people you're sharing your news with, you owe it to them to be present.  They need to see your body language.  They need to see your eyes.  They need to be able to ask you questions to begin processing.  Don't make the mistake of communicating your news when you're not present.

3.  Start at the top.  When you do determine that you have to share this news - good, bad or just surprising, start with those who are very closest to you because these are the ones who will be most affected.  In my case, the decision to leave the church I started was shared in concentric circles.  First, I shared with my wife.  Now, she was not shocked.  We had talked and prayed about it for several months beforehand.  But when the decision was made, she was the first to know.  My boys were very young at the time but had they been older and able to process it, I would have told them together with my wife. Next, I met personally with my closest leader in the church, Josh.  He was my number two guy and I wanted him to know where it was and where it was going.  I told him I was leaving and actually gave him the option to take on the leadership of the church himself or help me build a plan to close the church.  He chose to by my successor, although that's fairly irrelevant to this particular article.  Next, I shared the news with my leadership team at my church.  Since we were a small startup, I didn't have a paid staff, but for all intents and purposes, these people were our church staff.  Finally, and only after the closest people had been briefed, I shared the news with our church publicly.  Don't make the mistake of skipping key people before you make the big announcement.

4.  Communicate the why behind the what.  As I shared my news with each concentric circle in my world, I not only communicated "I'm leaving" but also why I had come to that decision. You will be amazed at how much more understanding people will be about news they don't particularly like if they understand why you made the decision.  And don't underestimate the other side of the coin, either.  If you don't give people the why they will make it up.  In my case, if I had not clearly communicated "I'm not cut out for this and I need to put my family first", it probably would have turned into "Pastor Jason is stepping down because he had an affair . . . with another man."  Nothing squashes the old rumor mill like the truth.  Share as much of that truth as possible.   Don't make the mistake of keeping the why to yourself, even in emotionally charged decisions.

5.  Communicate the news with a plan.  Imagine that I got up in front of my church and just said, "I'm stepping down as your pastor and here's why."  What would be the natural question every person would be asking.  "So, what does that mean?"  So, what comes next?"  Be a friend.  Be a leader.  Answer that question for the people you're delivering your news to.  In my case, the plan was my exit strategy and the transfer of leadership and authority to Josh.  I'm not saying the plan will make everyone like the news you're sharing, but at least it will be clear.  Don't make the mistake of sharing the news without telling those you share it with what comes next.

Well, I hope this was helpful to you.  I'm sure that whatever Chris releases on his website will be much better than this, but I wanted to share it with you today.  Who knows who needs this exact information today?  I would love to hear your stories of how you've gone about sharing "bad news", whether you did a great job or left a little to be desired.

The Great Unknown Is Just The Future Version Of The New Normal. Fear Not.

Why do most of us fear the unknown?  Isn’t the unknown just the future version of the new normal?  

In 2003, my wife gave birth to twin boys.  They were premature and spent four weeks in the hospital gaining weight and stabilizing.  I recall the fear I felt as I drove home from work the first day that our babies were home with us after we left the hospital. They were our responsibility now.  No nurses to do the job when we felt overwhelmed.  Just Sara and I.  Thirteen years later, we’ve added two more boys to the mix and I can’t imagine not having a house full of kids.  It’s the new normal.

In July of 2009, I walked the parking lot of an East Tulsa hotel.  The gravity of the move I was about to make hit me.  I was about to move my family from a stable life we knew well in Pennsylvania to a completely unknown and new life in Oklahoma.  The fear inherent in all the questions hit me hard that night.  What if this new endeavor we’re jumping into in Tulsa fails?  What if this experience hurts or even scars my kids for life?  What if this puts a strain on our marriage that we can’t recover from?  Is this something a responsible – or even sane – man does?  We moved in December of 2009.  After seven of the most challenging and most growing years ever, we love living here and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  It’s the new normal.

Change is usually scary, but not often fatal.  In time, the things you may fear the most become your new normal.  The mistake we often make is to run from the fear at the decision point.  If we do that, we never know what could have been.  If we can find the fortitude to lean into that fear, no matter what the outcome, the thing we feared the most becomes the new normal . . . in a surprisingly short period of time.  Is there a decision or move you should make, but fear is holding you back?  Of course, I’m talking about a decision where the cost has been counted and you’re convinced it’s a good and right decision, not a flippant gut-level decision.  If you’ve done your homework, and you are truly convinced it’s right, lean into your fear.  Isn’t the unknown just the future version of the new normal?  

I’d love to hear your story, as it relates to this topic.  Will you share it?