The Substitute For Hard Work

There isn’t one.  Sorry.  I’m the same way.  I want to figure out some principle or shortcut to skip some of the hard work that’s necessary to be who I’d like to be.  This is true in my marriage, my relationships with my kids, my career, physical fitness and everything else that I’ll ever aspire to be great in.  

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “Well, yeah.  Of course.  Everyone knows this. Why even write about it?”, you’re forgetting that you struggle with this too.  I’m writing this to remind you that the struggle is worth the pain.  The hard work you’re putting in now will pay off for you later, both in ways you might expect and ways you've never imagined.  

It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger.  Keep up the good (hard) work. 

Parenting Beyond Your Capacity

I finished a great book this week.  I think it was especially helpful to me because it spoke to what has probably been my single biggest challenge, as an adult.  Parenting.  Can you relate?  I've moved back and forth, and everywhere in between, from thinking I'm doing alright to knowing I'm doing terrible. Again, can you relate?

Although I do struggle with parenting, the reality is that I am a proud parent of four wonderful sons. Colin and Liam are twelve, Ethan is ten and Jude is seven.  Every time I spout off that list to someone in conversation, the reaction is always the same. "Wow, four boys . . ."  Silence ensues.  The truth is, four boys is a challenge.  But, so is two girls or a girl and a boy or a single boy.  Whatever your parenting situation, it's a challenge.  There's no doubt about that.  

The book I just finished, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, offers some hope to us struggling parents and those future strugglers, as well.  As the name implies, it does offer ways you can increase your capacity as a parent.  But contrary to what us "super-parents" tend to think, the idea here is that none of us can do it all.  Sorry.  Not you.  Not me.  While it's true that God has charged us with a great responsibility, He never mandated, or even planned for, us to do it alone.  The quote below, from the Introduction to the book, sums it up well.

"One of the reasons we're writing this book is to let you know you don't have to parent alone.  Don't misunderstand.  No one has more potential to impact your child or teenager than you.  But one of the greatest ways you can impact the life of your child is to become intentional about parenting with others who can also have an influence on your child.  If you try to parent alone, you will just become increasingly aware of your built-in flaws and risk becoming discouraged and disillusioned with parenthood."

The bottom line is that you don't have to parent your children alone.  God has blessed you and your children with a host of others who can go on that journey with you.  I can't say for sure, but I would imagine this could be particularly helpful to single parents.  Whatever you situation, please consider laying down your pride and accept - even lean on - the help offered by extended family, teachers, pastors, friends, co-workers, coaches and anyone else you think can be a positive influence in the lives of your children.  Over the years, my boys have talked of some of the above-mentioned people in much higher regard than they do about Sara or I. Hey, I understand the sting of that, given the incredible effort and sacrifice we all put in.  But it's a much better and healthier exercise to just embrace that God has blessed us with a community of people to aid in our parenting journey and help our kids grow in ways we never could.  

If you struggle with unrealistic expectations as a parent (as I do), you feel totally overwhelmed with parenting, or you just want to be a better parent, I really want to encourage you to read this book and allow its ideas to change the way you look at this incredibly important job of parenting.

I would be interested to hear what some of your biggest parenting challenges have been.  As for me, I believed I was an expert parent before I had kids, so twelve years of re-learning what I thought I already knew has been humbling and painful.  I'd love to hear your perspective.  Please share by leaving a comment.

3 Reasons You Need To Honor Your Parents Better

I wrote last week about some takeaways from a book I had recently read.  One of which spoke to the parenting of those of us who call ourselves Christians.  An excerpt from that post is below:

"A new thing is happening in the Christian Church in America.  Young people who see the worth in following Jesus are fighting resentment toward parents who lived lukewarm lives.  Parents who idolized their kids and expected praise in return are receiving the opposite.  These young adults are falling in love with Jesus, despite the example of their parents.  And some even try to respectfully rebuke their parents."

Over the last seven days, I've had some interesting and troubling conversations based off of this post.  And first off, let me say that this is a real issue.  And further, when handled the right way, it can be a step of growth in the family relationship.  As mentioned above, a respectful rebuke is a good thing.  However, based on over twenty years in ministry and, unfortunately, how I've treated my own parents at times, I can say that many times these situations are not handled well and respect gets trampled in emotion and misunderstanding.

Of course, it takes two to tango and relationships do not happen in a vacuum. So let me be clear, I'm writing this directly to you young adults who have found a vital relationship with Jesus, yet find yourself frustrated with the fact that your parents might not share your zeal for Christ.  Further, maybe they taught you to fear God and follow Jesus, but never displayed the passion that you now feel for Him. Whether that's true is up for debate in each individual situation, but no matter the reality, you (young zealous follower of Christ) may need to rethink how you go about relating to your parents.  I want to give you three reasons why.  

Reason #1 - They did the best they could
Do you know who Liz Murray is?  Liz and her sister grew up in NYC with two parents who were hopelessly addicted to drugs. Both parents eventually contracted AIDS and passed away by the time Liz was a teenager.  By age 15, she was a homeless high school student.  He story of climbing out of that situation is wonderful, but I want to share something I heard her say in a leadership talk many years ago.  It has affected me more deeply than most of the "good" talks I've heard over the years.

Someone asked Liz how she was able to forgive and release her parents' shortfalls when it came to caring for her and her sister.  She answered with a story that blew me away.  She was about twelve years old and it had been a whole day since she and her sister had eaten.  She knew that her parents had spent the family's food money on drugs - again - and she was angry.  She decided she was going to go to her dad and tell him just what she thought of him.  Her dad was sitting in a ratty old chair in their tiny apartment, and as she approached him, she first noticed his shoes.  They were so old and worn out that they were more duct tape than actual shoes.  She then looked at her dad and noticed how skinny and tired he looked.  Then the realization hit her.  She and her sister had not eaten in a day, but her dad had probably not eaten in three!  Now, it's easy to say, she goes on, that he allowed his drug habit to control him and the family.  That's true.  But here's what Liz's twelve-year-old mind came to that most of us miss, even well into our 30's and beyond.  He did the best he could.  He could not give her what he did not have to give.  Should he have broken his addiction, gotten a job and taken care of the family he was responsible for?  Absolutely yes.  But he couldn't.  He was sick.  He was unable to make himself well.  He did the best he could.  That realization allowed a twelve-year-old girl to forgive and release her parents for bringing she and her sister up in deplorable conditions!

Can that realization allow you to forgive and release your parents for doing much less to you? Maybe they should have done this or that better.  Maybe they still should.  The reality is, they did the best they could. They could not have given you what they didn't have to give.  You camping out on the fact that they should have been better or done better only drives the wedge in deeper.  You're an adult now.  Let it go.


Reason #2 - You owe them
If you are a parent, this is probably a no-brainer for you.  You get the incredible sacrifice you make on a daily basis just to keep your kids alive, much less thrive.  But if you're not a parent yet, let me respectfully say that you have absolutely no idea what it means to be a parent.  Please don't fall into the trap of judging your parents through a filter of what you think you would have done.  The hard truth of it is that you have no idea what you would have done in their situation.

Honor and loyalty are little-valued virtues in our day.  I want to suggest that your parents deserve both. Yes, you owe it to them because they made sacrifices beyond what you can yet imagine.  And even if you feel like they could have or should have done better, please remember that they did the best they could.  They could not have given what they did not have to give.

Reason #3 - You're commanded to
You're the one convinced of your own deep love for Jesus.  Have you read Exodus 20:12 or Ephesians 6:2?  Biblical commands don't get much clearer than this.  Put your money where your mouth is.  Swallow your pride.  You're not as holy as you think.

Forgive your parents.  Call them.  Apologize.  Set a new course.

You And Me Forever

You and me forever.  Now that's a romantic thought.  It's also the title of the book I just finished this morning.  You and Me Forever, by Francis Chan and Lisa Chan is billed as a marriage book.  I'm not so sure.  I'm not saying it doesn't have some great nuggets of wisdom for marriage, but it's subtitle, 'marriage in light of eternity' would more accurately represent the book if it were 'life in light of eternity'.

Overall, I thought this book was good - maybe 3 stars out of 5.  There were some really strong points and then there were some long stretches - mostly the middle chapters - where Francis just goes on and on about how lazy American "Christians" are and how we need to get out there and be Christ to the people in our world.  He's right!  I agree, but you can only say the same thing so many times before it turns into an all-out rant.  I did almost put the book down, at one point, but I'm glad I didn't.  It finished up really strong.  Let me share some of the gold that's found inside.  There are a few ideas and quotes below.  I will also show you how you can get a free copy of the book!


The Secret to Happily Ever After:

"A strange thing happened when Lisa and I started living with an eternal lens; it caused us to enjoy the here and now!  Many people will tell you to focus on your marriage, focus on each other; but we discovered that focusing on God's mission made our marriage amazing!"

Marriage Isn't That Great:

"We all need to prioritize our eternal relationship with our Creator above all things.  Besides, until you relate properly to God, you won't be much help to anyone else.  People who aren't living well, make matters worse by living together."

What's Really Best For The Kids:

"A new thing is happening in the Christian Church in America.  Young people who see the worth in following Jesus are fighting resentment toward parents who lived lukewarm lives.  Parents who idolized their kids and expected praise in return are receiving the opposite.  These young adults are falling in love with Jesus, despite the example of their parents.  And some even try to respectfully rebuke their parents."

"Here's a question every parent should be asking.  What will break my heart more?  If my kids don't end up loving me?  Or if they don't end up loving Jesus?  Seriously contemplate that question."

This book is worth your time to read.  It's much more about living on mission as a Christian than it is about marriage or parenting.  But, it is worth saying that a Christian truly living on mission will experience the best of marriages and a more fulfilling relationship with their kids than those simply trying to live comfortably, keep the peace and raise good kids.  There is a much higher level of living - both now and eternally.

*You can get more information about this book and 

 about a free pdf download by clicking here.