Stuck and Clueless? 5 Steps To Get You Unstuck

I received an email this week from a friend from college.  He's had some difficult circumstances to navigate. He and I have talked some about these over the last couple years and this week and he made a statement to me that is both heartbreaking and all too common.  After describing some of his recent circumstances, he said, "So, here I am with a ton to be thankful for and a huge story to tell . . . I'm not depressed or even sad; I'm just stuck and clueless at, let's just say, 46 now."

Can you relate?  I sure can.  It wasn't many years ago that I was living in the same kind of "stuck and clueless" wilderness. I knew I had a lot to offer, but I didn't know what to do or how to do it.  Maybe you've felt the same?

Let me offer you 5 steps to help get you unstuck.

1. Step away from what you don't want.  So, when you are thinking steps to get unstuck or to get a clue, some of the most important steps to take are steps away from what you don't want . In my case, I made a decision to leave a situation that was a poor fit. Interestingly, this poor fit was a church I planted and the fact that I fit poorly in an organization I founded may be a poor reflection on my leadership, but that is what it is and I can own that. Not only did I decide to leave, I promised myself that I would never take another position in a church that does not fit me.  For me, that means no small, traditional or unhealthy churches.  What is a "poor fit" for you might be a whole different thing.  But, you have to decide to step away from that which you don't want.
2. Surround yourself with the right people.  Specifically, this would be people who believe in you and who are in places you want to see yourself one day. Specifically for me, that meant being around my coach, Brad Sprague and the staff at City Church in Tulsa. Surrounding myself with those people helped tremendously, from both an intentional work standpoint (ie. life planning and coaching) and just the positive energy and friendship they imparted to me.  You are the sum total of the people who are closest to you.
3. Test new waters.  Although my only professional experience had been in church ministry, I tested the waters in both the corporate and church worlds. I interviewed for one position with Farmers Insurance and three different positions with LifeChurch. Those were both organizations with available positions that looked like a good fit for me, but as I got closer, I saw that they weren't. That's not a poor reflection on them.  It's just the simple truth that some of us fit some places and some of us fit other places.  But the value in testing the waters like this is in eliminating clutter in your mind (and heart) and focusing your vision. 
4. Articulate what you do want.  Once you eliminate a bunch of stuff that you know you don't want, you're able to focus on what you do want. I'm way over-simplifying this, but through much prayer, thought and counsel, I came to a simple decision that I wanted a church staff position at a large (or on it's way to being large) church that was really doing something significant. In addition to that, I was set on serving under a pastor that I could really look up to and feel very well lead by. And I'm not at all implying I did not look up to or was not well lead by other pastors I've served under.  This just became a clear piece as I pictured my ideal scenario.  If you don't know where you want to go, you certainly will never arrive.
5. Step toward what you do want.   Shortly after I was able to articulate exactly what I was looking for,  I shared that with a small network of local pastors here in Tulsa.  One of them texted me within days to say Solace Church was looking to add someone to their team. I knew of Solace and I knew our pastor, Matt Blair, but this was not a church on my radar at all. To make a long story short, I've been at Solace Church almost four years now.  The more opportunities you step toward, the more will present themselves.

While my role and responsibilities at Solace have evolved significantly and I've taken many more steps in personal growth and personal vision building,  the steps listed here were what got me out of that stuck and clueless spot into a place of stability where I could build new vision for all God has called me to do in this world.  I hope these are helpful to you.

If Disappointment Has Become Your Companion . . .

This is a repost from an article I wrote Nov 12, 2013.  I can still recall the emotions I felt as I wrote it. Nearly three years later, I'm in a completely different place and every word I wrote that day (much of which is God's Word) has proven to be completely true.  I hope this encourages you through your disappointment or heartbreak today . . .

If Disappointment Has Become Your Companion . . . (Repost from Nov 12, 2013)

If that’s the case, I can understand.  The last year of my life has been one full of large-scale change.  I’ve ventured out into some new areas to pursue what I believe God has more uniquely gifted me to do.  As you can imagine, that has not set well with everyone I know and it has not been easy.  I knew that would be the case, up front, but I could not have guessed how hard and full of disappointment it would be.  

I’ve been turned down and told “no” more times in the last year than in all my other years combined.  Probably twice as much.  And each time it is disappointing.  I’ve had job interviews that I thought sealed the deal and I would get an offer for sure.  No dice.  I’ve pitched vision and plans to people who I thought would be as excited about them as I am.  Not the case.  In fact, just last night, I got word from a pastor, whom I had hoped would hire me for some extensive coaching with his staff, that the time wasn’t right yet.  That too was disappointing. 

But last night, as I was tempted to feel sorry for myself and say silly things like, “I’m just getting used to disappointment” I was instantly reminded of this:

ROMANS 8:28 THE MESSAGE (MSG)

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Many other translations simply say, “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”  It’s true.  All things – every detail – are worked into something good.  Even the disappointments.  Keep your head up, my friend.  Keep your faith high.  Disappointment does not need to be your companion, just another tool to shape you into all God has in mind for you.

How To Overcome The Victim Mentality (with a special bonus video)

Are you at all like me?  Do you click on these kinds of posts just so you can share it with your mother-in-law or your deadbeat brother or your spouse?  Maybe so.  But, before you copy this link and send it on to all those needy souls, pause a moment and consider yourself.

This past Sunday at Solace Church, Matt Blair, delivered an especially powerful message entitled "The Victim Mentality". I tuned in right away and almost immediately was thinking of people I knew who could benefit from this Biblical and practical information.  Then it hit me.  I do this too.  I play the victim.  Not in all areas of my life, but I sure do it when it comes to my kids.  I do it when it comes to my wife.  I do it when it comes to my job, my past failures and even my future goals and dreams. How about you?  

For me, this was a wake-up call about Biblical truth and personal responsibility. Below are some bullet-pointed thoughts that can serve as a filter to help you identify where you might be in various areas of your life.  Read them through and use the filter.  Then take 30 minutes and watch the video of Matt delivering this message last Sunday. You can learn a ton from Matt.  He's not only my pastor and my boss, but he's my friend and one of the most fantastic leaders I know.  
The victim says . . .

• "Someone else made me do it."
• "It's not my fault."
• "I couldn't help myself."

What's appealing about victim status?

• I don't have to take responsibility.
• I don't have to ask for forgiveness.
• It gives me justification for my actions.

How does the victim think change will come?

• If they stop treating me so poorly . . .
• If my circumstances change.
• If God will take this from me.

How change really comes . . . When we filter our circumstances, as challenging and unfair as they may be, through the reality of God's Word.

Watch this video.  If you need to put something else aside to watch it, do that.  It is worth your time.  Here's the bottom line. You and all those you love can get free from the victim mentality.  If you choose that freedom.  Get started.

3 Steps To HUGE Person Growth

(One of my bookshelves at home)

We've all heard the saying.  "Leaders are readers and readers are leaders."  Well, it's mostly true.  Maybe you could substitute the word "reader" for "learner", but the concept holds true.  Here's the part that bothers me, though. On average, I have the same conversation with leaders about three times per week.  It goes like this.

Me: "Do you like to read?"
You: "Oh yes, I love reading."
Me: "Me too.  What have you read lately?"
You: "Uh, well, I've really been meaning to start reading.  I know I should, but . . . "

You can fill in the excuse.  Look, I know that everyone doesn't love reading and I get that the amount of reading you do will vary, depending on the season of life you're currently in.  So, please hear me loud and clear.  This is not written to induce guilt on you if you're not reading.  This is meant to challenge your excuses and get you reading if you truly do want to become a reader.  Also, I'm not talking about reading romance novels here.  If that's your thing, more power to you, but I'm talking about reading that actually challenges you to grow.

Here are 3 simple steps that can get your reading.

1.  Escape the comparison trap.  It seems like most of us who are not reading much seem to feel guilty about it, especially when we run into some guy talking about how he reads a book a week.  A book a week!?  You'd be happy to read one this year, right?  Well, that's really the crux of it all, isn't it?  Consider this.  A good reading goal for you may not resemble anyone else's reading goal.  One of the most surefire ways to sabotage yourself is to set unrealistic goals.  Maybe book-a-week guy really does read that much (or maybe he's a dirty liar), but whatever the case, you can't compare yourself to him.  He may be a single dude with unbelievable amounts of time to spare and you may be a mom working full time with three kids.  Not exactly apples to apples.  Get real about what you can do.  Did you know that you can read 12-20 books per year if you set aside just 30 minutes per day, 5 days per week?  I'm serious.  Imagine how much you'll grow in the next year if you read 12 books!  Heck, if you're not reading at all, imagine how much different you'll be if you read just 3?  Don't get tripped up on what someone else does.  If you do better this year than you did last, that's growth and that's the goal.

2.  Build a reading list around your goals.  I'm assuming you have goals.  If you don't, you should.  There are too many people you could be helping in this world.  So, don't be so lazy as to not work toward some goals in your life.  Your goals are not just about you.  If you don't have any goals, presently, read here to get some help setting some goals.  Now, once you have goals set, consider building a reading list around those goals.  For 2016, I set goals in six key areas of my life.  I chose two books for each area and made those 12 books my reading list for the year.  My wife got me a Fitbit for Christmas last year.  It was really thoughtful, but it didn't really help me much.  So, I returned it to Amazon and bought my twelve books instead.  Once I'm finished with one, I just pick out the next one.  It's not the only system you can use, but it's a great place to start if you have no plan.

3.  Use simple technology to help you.  I'm not saying you need to go and buy a ton of tech to be a reader.  Personally, I prefer a hardcover book with a pen and a highlighter.  But, I bet you own a smartphone.  (I only have one friend, that I know of, who still uses an old flip-phone.)  So, assuming you have a smartphone, let me suggest two free apps that can be a world of help.  

• First is an app that plays audiobooks - maybe i-books or Audible.  Granted, audiobooks aren't for everyone, but if you can absorb them and learn that way, you can redeem a whole lot of time in the car.  Or on the treadmill.  Or on a plane.  You get the idea, right?  Of the 16 books I've read so far this year, two have been audiobooks.  I finished one in a single day on a car trip to Dallas and back.  How do I know how many books I've read so far?  Glad you asked.  That brings me to the #2 app that can really help you get reading.  
• GoodReads is a free app that lets you create different reading lists, add books to them just by searching them in the app, track your progress (by%) and leave ratings and reviews for the books you've read.  Over the last few years, I've tried several different ways of creating my "want to read" list.  I've kept lists in Evernote.  I've tried to do a paper list.  I created a Google Doc for it, but nothing works like GoodReads.  The search, list, and progress features are all in one place.  If you've taken the steps to decide what you'll read, GoodReads can keep you on track.  Oh, and you can also be friends with other people with GoodReads accounts.  You can see what they are reading and all that good stuff.  Look me up  - Jason Fitch.  I'd love to see what you're into.

One more thought.  I often hear people say something like this.  "I usually only read the first couple chapters of a book. After that, it's all a repeat anyway."  How arrogant.  I get this is true in a small percentage of books, but here's the truth.  In this case, you've either chosen your book very poorly or unwilling to press in and engage the deeper learnings. Either way, it's your fault, so get over yourself.  If the book is worth starting, it's worth finishing.  In the rare instances this is not true, just move on. There's no need to act like every book out there can't keep the attention of your brilliant intellect.  You're not that good.

Well, I hope these thoughts are helpful to you.  Please share some practical ways you've gotten yourself on the path to growth through reading.  I'm looking forward to hearing what you've done!

It Comes Down To A Simple Choice, Really

It's personal comfort.  No build up.  No suspense.  It's simple and it's true.  Your desire for personal comfort is the single biggest roadblock to you following your God-given passions and achieving your goals.  How do I know?  Because I've fallen into the same trap.  

The last time I was in the trap was 2013-2014.  During 2009-2012, I put myself way out on a limb following a dream and I fell.  I failed and it hurt.  It hurt me and it hurt my family.  And it took a long time to dig out of the financial and emotional holes I had dug for myself.  What I craved more than anything was stability.  Finally, in very late 2012, I got a good job and it's gotten better ever since. About a year later, Sara got a new (and much better paying) job. By the end of 2014, we had achieved the stability we craved so much.  But, do you know what I realized?  I wasn't fulfilled by that stability. While it felt good to be stable, it wasn't fulfilling.  I gained weight. I felt frustrated.  I didn't know what to do next.  It was only after I stepped back, assessed my life, set some goals and got to work at the beginning of 2015 that my fulfillment and drive returned.

While stability is a basic human need, it's not a good end goal.  Now, stability is necessary to be the springboard to launch you toward your next goal, but stability most certainly should not be the goal.  But, we make it the goal way too often. And then we get stuck.  How many people do you know who make good money, have a good family, seem to have no reason to be unhappy, but are still unhappy? Plenty, right?  Are you one of them?  It's pretty easy to figure out why. You were created for some reason.  And that reason is not to just live a boring life of comfort, ease, and stability.

Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) said it best in "The Shawshank Redemption", "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really.  Get busy living or get busy dying."

There is no such thing as stability in the human existence.  We are at our best when we live in the tension between what is and what could be.  Don't fall for the lie that tells you maximizing your comfort will maximize your fulfillment. The truth is that living out your God-given passion will maximize your fulfillment.  Get busy living.

The Most Courageous Decision Is . . .

I don't know about all cultures, but in our Western culture, courage is highly revered.  It's the stuff heroes are made of.  We tend to think courage is a lack of fear and our heroes must be impervious to self-doubt, but it's not true.  Quite the opposite. Courage is choosing to step in the right direction, despite the fear you feel.  And guess what?  You don't have to be a hero to choose the courageous path.  In the last couple months, I've had some conversations with three different friends who have made or are in the process of making courageous decisions. Although I'm thinking about three separate men, who made three separate decisions, they all had to face the same truth and embrace the same statement about themselves. "I'm not the guy for the job."

In the case of my three friends, they all felt like they were no longer the guy for the job that God had clearly called them to. Can you imagine this?  How do you reconcile a perceived God-given calling and then have the courage to walk away?  Two of my friends were pastors and one pulled his name out of the running for a job he wanted very much at a company he wants to work for. Why?  Because they knew what we all know, from time to time.  I'm not the guy (or girl) for the job.  

You've felt it.  We've all felt it.  The problem is that not all of us have the courage to face it and it's implications.  I know this because I once had to face such a reality and the implications that went with it.  Once upon a time, I was a church planter.  I left a steady and stable life in Pennsylvania to start the next world-changing mega-church in Oklahoma.  It was a move full of unknowns and risks.  There was no doubt that it was a God-given calling. But, what I learned is that not all God-given callings are destined to finish the way I think they might.  Below is an excerpt from a book manuscript I'm working on.  It chronicles an experience I had in a coaching group I was part of.  This was the moment I realized and then faced the fact that "I was not the guy."

~ We broke for lunch and afterward did some work on our own.  We took the work from our timelines and needed to break all that information down to one or two key learnings that we would take away from that day.  Of course, all of the learnings carried implications.  This was a difficult truth to begin facing.  As we came back together that afternoon, we shared some of our takeaways from the whole timeline exercise.  What had we learned?  And a better question yet, what would that mean to our future?  When it was my turn, I was terrified.  I knew what I needed to say.  What I didn’t know was how would these guys around the table react.  “As all of you guys would agree with, for any church or organization to function up to it’s potential, we all have to have the right people on the bus and have those people in the right seats.” I said.  Everyone around the table nodded. “It has come to my attention today that I’ve got someone on my team who is in a very wrong seat and that person being in the wrong seat is literally killing our church and killing that person.”  The room was silent and every eye was on me as I finished my revelation to the group.  “It seems that person who is in the wrong seat is me.”, I said through a few tears.  It was a hard realization and even harder to share out loud.  After a few seconds of silence, every guy in the room affirmed what I was saying.  Maybe they all knew I wasn’t cut out for the lead pastor role.  Maybe they were just being supportive to their friend.  No matter the motivation, it felt good to know they were there to walk whatever journey may ensue with me.  ~

Perhaps God had other plans for those things He called me to?  Perhaps He has other plans for the things He's called you to?  We'll never know, unless we gather the courage to make that hard statement.  I'm not the guy.  I'm not the girl. I'm not the one to take this any further. 

Being years on the other side of the fence, I can tell you the things that follow.  Pain.  Struggle.  Healing.  Growth.  New opportunities.  A total reinvention of yourself.  If you're in the place of knowing you're not the one, I want to encourage you to do three things today.  

1)  Find someone who can coach you through this process.

2)  Take courage and face it.  

3)  Refuse to get bitter and embrace the new.

You may think you're avoiding pain by side-stepping the hard decision, but you're really just robbing yourself of all the possibilities on the other side.  So maybe you do have to be a hero to face this courageous path.  Or, maybe choosing the courageous path is what makes a hero.  Be that hero.  You can do it.

1 Big Mistake You're Making Setting Goals

Are you mad yet?  Are you thinking what I would be thinking if I saw a blog title like this one?  "Who's he think he is to tell me my goals are wrong?  He doesn't even know what my goals are!"  So, before you string me up or burn me at the stake, hear me out.  I know your goals are wrong for the same reason my goals have been wrong.  I'm no goal-setting expert (if there is such a thing).  I've just made the mistake and I know what the consensus is out in goal-setting land, so I know you've probably made the same mistake when setting your goals.

So, what's the big mistake?  

The mistake is, quite simply, making the goal the goal. Remember, we don't set goals just to reach them.  We set goals to propel us toward a preferred future.   Instead, you should be making the habits that will lead you to the goal, the goal.  Sound like I'm splitting hairs here or like they're the same thing?  Well, I'm not and they're not. Think about it with me.  "I want to lose 30 lbs in the next six months" may sound like a good goal - even a S.M.A.R.T. goal (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely).  But it's not really the right goal.  Why?  Well, you tell me.  What happens when you reach it?  What happens after you change your eating habits and bust your butt in the gym for six months and meet your goal?  You celebrate by eating a whole cheesecake and sleeping in past gym time.  The roller coaster ensues.  

What if you adjusted the goal to, "Over the next three months, I'm going to implement a sustainable system of tracking my nutrition and exercise, with personal accountability built in."  It's still a SMART goal, but this one serves you for life and still leads you to lose those 30 lbs and probably more.  The only difference is that this one changes your habits so you keep the weight off and stay healthy.  

One more example.  "I want to get promoted to general manager at work by December" could be re-worked into "I will work with a mentor or coach to learn and implement new personal growth habits and new habits at work by December."  Version one might get you the promotion, but then what?  Version two transforms you into a person who's promotable for the rest of your life.  

Of course, this assumes you care enough to take the time and make the effort to set goals in the first place.  If that's a problem for you, you can read this article I wrote a while back.  It may be a good start for you.  Hey, I hope you've got goals and I hope you're making daily progress building the habits that will get you there. You can do it.  Nothing, but you, is standing in your way.  Go!