Monday, December 10, 2007

tonight I'm a stunted shrub

It's Monday night and I feel like yesterday was Thursday. This weekend was among the worst I've ever walked through. Couple a horrendous schedule with my twin boys being very sick and it felt like insanity most of the time. Still does. I'm peaceful right now, but I know that just under the surface I'm way too angry and way too volatile.

As I had a few hours to myself tonight I was struck with my own selfishness. I'm appalled and embarrassed at how often and how highly I think of myself. I've spent the last few days being deeply angry with my precious little boys, who can't help that their coughing leads to vomiting, and God who I loathe at times for "not caring" although I'm blessed beyond measure. Just when my boys need their daddy's comfort they get his anger and frustration. Just when my Daddy needs appreciation and love from his boy He gets yet more anger and frustration.

Jer 17:5-10 - This is what the LORD says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the LORD. 6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.

7 "But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. 8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.

9 "The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10 But I know! I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve." NLT

I've proved Scripture to be true again. My heart is desperately wicked. I wish it were not, but the last few days have proved that to me again. I struggle desperately with being a good father and husband. I want to be so badly and feel so terrible when I fail. Tonight I'm a stunted shrub. Someday I'll be a tree planted along a riverbank.

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