This one is a little longer than usual, because I want to explain a little background first.
As you know, last year I took a job at St. Francis Hospital. I worked there for 5 months and I really disliked the job - no secret there. But over the last month or so at that job, I was wrestling with leaving. I felt like God wanted me to leave. Some mentors of mine encouraged me to leave and some of you who were praying with me on that shared with me that you thought you were hearing God say that it was time for me to leave.
Well, the point of leaving was to live by faith. In fact, one person who is very dear to me, spoke so boldly as to say, "You ought to leave that job and show your church what it means to walk by faith." I think he was right. But I only did half of that. I left the job. I did not walk by faith. I freaked out. And that freaking out, along with some unrealistic expectations I was holding onto brought me to my little breakdown you all had the opportunity to pray me through last year. Thanks, again for that, by the way.
It was at my lowest point, that I was open to God re-teaching me what my real expectations ought to be and who the source of everything is. So, it brings me to today. I am living by faith and God has provided all I need, to date. So, I wrote all that to lead to what I'm asking you to pray with me about today. Even though I am no longer fixated on my needs and how God will provide and I'm truly enjoying seeing Him as my source, I am still embarrassed to tell other people that.
If I was looking at my life from someone else's perspective, I would tell me it would be a good time to go and get a job. Even looking in the mirror, I feel like I ought to look for some income somewhere. But the more time I spend praying about that and God meeting my needs, the more I feel Him saying to just stay on this course pastoring this church and He will take care of all my needs. I have no problem with that. I have a problem with how that looks and sounds to you . . . or whomever I talk to. It comes up, fairly often, that I have no sure source of income. And as much as I know I'm following God's lead on this, I still feel sheepish admitting that because I feel like it looks irresponsible to others.
So, the prayer I'm asking you to pray is not that God provides for my needs. I think that's a foregone conclusion. I asking that I would be able to get above feeling self-conscious about finally modeling what it means to walk by faith and be able to feel passionate, not sheepish, when those conversations come up. I know this sounds kind of strange and maybe even trivial to you, but it's been a big deal to me over the last few weeks.
That's it. Thanks for your prayers. I love you guys and would love pray for you this week. Let me know what you're believing for and I'll add it to my prayer list this week.