It Comes Down To A Simple Choice, Really

It's personal comfort.  No build up.  No suspense.  It's simple and it's true.  Your desire for personal comfort is the single biggest roadblock to you following your God-given passions and achieving your goals.  How do I know?  Because I've fallen into the same trap.  

The last time I was in the trap was 2013-2014.  During 2009-2012, I put myself way out on a limb following a dream and I fell.  I failed and it hurt.  It hurt me and it hurt my family.  And it took a long time to dig out of the financial and emotional holes I had dug for myself.  What I craved more than anything was stability.  Finally, in very late 2012, I got a good job and it's gotten better ever since. About a year later, Sara got a new (and much better paying) job. By the end of 2014, we had achieved the stability we craved so much.  But, do you know what I realized?  I wasn't fulfilled by that stability. While it felt good to be stable, it wasn't fulfilling.  I gained weight. I felt frustrated.  I didn't know what to do next.  It was only after I stepped back, assessed my life, set some goals and got to work at the beginning of 2015 that my fulfillment and drive returned.

While stability is a basic human need, it's not a good end goal.  Now, stability is necessary to be the springboard to launch you toward your next goal, but stability most certainly should not be the goal.  But, we make it the goal way too often. And then we get stuck.  How many people do you know who make good money, have a good family, seem to have no reason to be unhappy, but are still unhappy? Plenty, right?  Are you one of them?  It's pretty easy to figure out why. You were created for some reason.  And that reason is not to just live a boring life of comfort, ease, and stability.

Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) said it best in "The Shawshank Redemption", "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really.  Get busy living or get busy dying."

There is no such thing as stability in the human existence.  We are at our best when we live in the tension between what is and what could be.  Don't fall for the lie that tells you maximizing your comfort will maximize your fulfillment. The truth is that living out your God-given passion will maximize your fulfillment.  Get busy living.

The Most Courageous Decision Is . . .

I don't know about all cultures, but in our Western culture, courage is highly revered.  It's the stuff heroes are made of.  We tend to think courage is a lack of fear and our heroes must be impervious to self-doubt, but it's not true.  Quite the opposite. Courage is choosing to step in the right direction, despite the fear you feel.  And guess what?  You don't have to be a hero to choose the courageous path.  In the last couple months, I've had some conversations with three different friends who have made or are in the process of making courageous decisions. Although I'm thinking about three separate men, who made three separate decisions, they all had to face the same truth and embrace the same statement about themselves. "I'm not the guy for the job."

In the case of my three friends, they all felt like they were no longer the guy for the job that God had clearly called them to. Can you imagine this?  How do you reconcile a perceived God-given calling and then have the courage to walk away?  Two of my friends were pastors and one pulled his name out of the running for a job he wanted very much at a company he wants to work for. Why?  Because they knew what we all know, from time to time.  I'm not the guy (or girl) for the job.  

You've felt it.  We've all felt it.  The problem is that not all of us have the courage to face it and it's implications.  I know this because I once had to face such a reality and the implications that went with it.  Once upon a time, I was a church planter.  I left a steady and stable life in Pennsylvania to start the next world-changing mega-church in Oklahoma.  It was a move full of unknowns and risks.  There was no doubt that it was a God-given calling. But, what I learned is that not all God-given callings are destined to finish the way I think they might.  Below is an excerpt from a book manuscript I'm working on.  It chronicles an experience I had in a coaching group I was part of.  This was the moment I realized and then faced the fact that "I was not the guy."

~ We broke for lunch and afterward did some work on our own.  We took the work from our timelines and needed to break all that information down to one or two key learnings that we would take away from that day.  Of course, all of the learnings carried implications.  This was a difficult truth to begin facing.  As we came back together that afternoon, we shared some of our takeaways from the whole timeline exercise.  What had we learned?  And a better question yet, what would that mean to our future?  When it was my turn, I was terrified.  I knew what I needed to say.  What I didn’t know was how would these guys around the table react.  “As all of you guys would agree with, for any church or organization to function up to it’s potential, we all have to have the right people on the bus and have those people in the right seats.” I said.  Everyone around the table nodded. “It has come to my attention today that I’ve got someone on my team who is in a very wrong seat and that person being in the wrong seat is literally killing our church and killing that person.”  The room was silent and every eye was on me as I finished my revelation to the group.  “It seems that person who is in the wrong seat is me.”, I said through a few tears.  It was a hard realization and even harder to share out loud.  After a few seconds of silence, every guy in the room affirmed what I was saying.  Maybe they all knew I wasn’t cut out for the lead pastor role.  Maybe they were just being supportive to their friend.  No matter the motivation, it felt good to know they were there to walk whatever journey may ensue with me.  ~

Perhaps God had other plans for those things He called me to?  Perhaps He has other plans for the things He's called you to?  We'll never know, unless we gather the courage to make that hard statement.  I'm not the guy.  I'm not the girl. I'm not the one to take this any further. 

Being years on the other side of the fence, I can tell you the things that follow.  Pain.  Struggle.  Healing.  Growth.  New opportunities.  A total reinvention of yourself.  If you're in the place of knowing you're not the one, I want to encourage you to do three things today.  

1)  Find someone who can coach you through this process.

2)  Take courage and face it.  

3)  Refuse to get bitter and embrace the new.

You may think you're avoiding pain by side-stepping the hard decision, but you're really just robbing yourself of all the possibilities on the other side.  So maybe you do have to be a hero to face this courageous path.  Or, maybe choosing the courageous path is what makes a hero.  Be that hero.  You can do it.

1 Big Mistake You're Making Setting Goals

Are you mad yet?  Are you thinking what I would be thinking if I saw a blog title like this one?  "Who's he think he is to tell me my goals are wrong?  He doesn't even know what my goals are!"  So, before you string me up or burn me at the stake, hear me out.  I know your goals are wrong for the same reason my goals have been wrong.  I'm no goal-setting expert (if there is such a thing).  I've just made the mistake and I know what the consensus is out in goal-setting land, so I know you've probably made the same mistake when setting your goals.

So, what's the big mistake?  

The mistake is, quite simply, making the goal the goal. Remember, we don't set goals just to reach them.  We set goals to propel us toward a preferred future.   Instead, you should be making the habits that will lead you to the goal, the goal.  Sound like I'm splitting hairs here or like they're the same thing?  Well, I'm not and they're not. Think about it with me.  "I want to lose 30 lbs in the next six months" may sound like a good goal - even a S.M.A.R.T. goal (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely).  But it's not really the right goal.  Why?  Well, you tell me.  What happens when you reach it?  What happens after you change your eating habits and bust your butt in the gym for six months and meet your goal?  You celebrate by eating a whole cheesecake and sleeping in past gym time.  The roller coaster ensues.  

What if you adjusted the goal to, "Over the next three months, I'm going to implement a sustainable system of tracking my nutrition and exercise, with personal accountability built in."  It's still a SMART goal, but this one serves you for life and still leads you to lose those 30 lbs and probably more.  The only difference is that this one changes your habits so you keep the weight off and stay healthy.  

One more example.  "I want to get promoted to general manager at work by December" could be re-worked into "I will work with a mentor or coach to learn and implement new personal growth habits and new habits at work by December."  Version one might get you the promotion, but then what?  Version two transforms you into a person who's promotable for the rest of your life.  

Of course, this assumes you care enough to take the time and make the effort to set goals in the first place.  If that's a problem for you, you can read this article I wrote a while back.  It may be a good start for you.  Hey, I hope you've got goals and I hope you're making daily progress building the habits that will get you there. You can do it.  Nothing, but you, is standing in your way.  Go!

5 Ways You Can Love Your Vacation Time

This is the first time I've written since July 6.  That's twenty-three days.  Of course, my Twitter and Facebook feeds continued to churn out links to previous posts.  That's the magic of HootSuite.  But, the reason I took a three-week break from writing is not because I got lazy or ran out of ideas (far from it - I presently have 54 ideas in development for future posts).  I simply took a vacation.  And even though blogging is not, technically, my "job", that doesn't mean I should keep doing it in the midst of a vacation.  In fact, I think our culture has a very skewed and unhealthy view of what vacation means.

It seems like we default to either working at home or going way overboard on entertainment when we say "vacation".  I say it should be a restful intermission from life as we know it. How many times have you anticipated vacation for weeks and months only to get back to normal life more tired and worn out than when you started?  Our family took a Spring break trip to Daytona Beach this past March.  While there were aspects of it that were fun and enjoyable, a 9-day trip that consists of 4 days of travel in a minivan with 4 boys ages 12 and under is not exactly a recipe for rest and relaxation.  I have some good friends who just returned from a Disney vacation. Thier main feedback.  We paid a lot of money to stand in lines.  Where's the magic in that?  Maybe you can identify? I say it should not and does not have to be this way.

Last week, I finished the best vacation I've had in well over 10 years. Actually, it was a "staycation" and I'd like to share with you a few things I think I did right that facilitated my "vacation success".  My hope is that some of these ideas can help you have better vacation time, in the future.  But, before I do that, please don't hear what I'm not saying.  I'm not saying Disney or the beach are evil.  I'm not saying don't do anything.  I'm not saying don't have fun.  All I am saying it that you should carefully consider how your vacation plans intersect with your stage of life and plan wisely.

Here are 5 things I believe helped me have a great vacation.  Some intentional, some accidental.

1. Unplugged (Intentional) - Sara and I both deleted social media and email apps from our phones.  We did stay somewhat connected via computers, but it was more like once a day or every other day, not 5 times per hour.  Now that I'm back to normal life, I'm not planning to put the Facebook app back on my phone.  It's more of a time-waster than anything else for me.  I also set vacation responses on all my email accounts and did not check email once for 18 days.  The world did not stop.  
2. Punched the calendar in the face (Intentional) - I'm a huge lover of calendar planning and schedules, but for most of those 18 days, I did not know what day it was and I'm saying that is a good thing, periodically.  If your normal life is governed by heavy schedules, it may be good to get off schedule.  One of our biggest stressors is getting our kids ready and moved from this event to that.  It was great letting them sleep as long as they wanted, play with their friends all day and shower only when they seemed especially nasty.
3. Tried something new (Accidental) - In the early part of my vacation, I was reading a book by one of my favorite writers, Don Miller, (for personal enjoyment, not necessarily for personal growth) when he mentioned bicycling through Joshua Tree National Park.  That prompted me to look the park up online.  That caused me to see all the fantastic hiking & biking trails. That lit some kind of internal desire to want to go hiking.  I've never really hiked trails before, but while I was on vacation, I did 3 different short day hikes - one alone and two with some of my sons.  Not only were those great times, but hiking has become a new hobby for me.  Once I get some money together for a bike, I'll add that part too.  And I'm a guy who's always struggled to have hobbies and enjoy life.  This was a wonderful and unexpected piece of vacation, but I'll go into future vacations looking to try something new from here on out.
4. Saved my money (Intentional) - It's not absolutely necessary to spend thousands of dollars everytime you have vacation time.  We probably spent less than $300 outside of normal living expenses.  I doubt anyone will call that anything but a win.
5. Did something meaningful (Intentional and Accidental) - The only two things we scheduled in our 18 days off were a day trip to Oklahoma City to the National Memorial and a day to Safari Joe's H20 here in Tulsa.  Safari Joe's was really fun and we built some good memories, but it's what you'd expect - waterslides, wave pool, lazy river, and snowcones. It was great.  But, the experience of going through the interactive museum at the OKC National Memorial was much more than we expected or were prepared for.  It's one thing to see daily news stories about a bomb exploding and some people being killed someplace far off.  It's quite another to sit in a mock-conference room and hear a real-time audio recording of the explosion that destroyed the Murrah Building that day in 1995.  It's quite another thing to see the twisted steel and shattered concrete on display right in front of you.  My youngest son was so emotionally affected by it, he felt like he was going to pass out and had to sit down for a bit.  That doesn't bother me. I want my boys to feel the weight of something like that.  I believe it is healthy and it was a very meaningful experience for our family.  Certainly, it's something we'll never forget.

I hope some of these thoughts can inspire you to have great vacations that are not just exhausting entertainment, but truly meaningful and restful intermissions from day-to-day life. What have been some especially positive pieces of vacations for you?

Why Did You Come Here?

I was leaving the gym one day and I saw this shirt. "I didn't come here to lose". What really caught my eye was not so much the shirt, but the combination of the shirt and the man wearing it. This guy must have been 80 years old (at least) and may have weighed in at a stout 120lbs. Not exactly the physical specimen we imagine dominating sports. Not exactly the kind of guy you would expect to "not come here to lose".

But, here's the thing.  Whatever we do is won or lost in the mind long before we take the field, have the meeting, try and spread the message or just punch the clock.

Why did you come here? Whatever you're doing, have you come to just exist (which is to lose, by the way) or did you come to win? Whether you're 80 years old, in the prime of your physical life or somewhere in between, please don't come to lose. Come to win!

Colossians 3:23 - Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. - NLT

Please Don't Mistake Ideas For Action

I'm a documentary junkie.  I can watch a documentary on almost anything and enjoy it.  Last month, I watched a great series that documented major events in the 1960's and 1970's.  One episode chronicled the Civil Rights struggle in the 60's.  Most of it centered around Dr. Marin Luther King Jr and the incredible effectiveness he and his movement had in mobilizing people for their cause.  In more than a few cases, a march that began with 40 people in one city would end with 10,000 at its end, a couple cities down the line.  The amount of action taken to push that idea of civil rights to fruition was amazing. As I watched, I had two thoughts.  They were consecutive, but came so close, they almost felt simultaneous.

• Thought #1: "If that movement was happening today, it would explode 10-fold due to the connectivity social media gives us." 
• Thought #2: "No, it would probably get an explosion of chatter on social media that would have very little action attached to it.  In today's culture, it would be likely to fail."

And that's the problem.  In a culture where we can like and share and copy and paste ideas, even to the point that they go viral (whatever that means), we begin to believe we've actually done something.  But, in reality, we've done nothing.  Nolan Bushnell, found of both ATARI and Chuck E. Cheeses's, said it best when he said, "Everyone who's ever taken a shower has an idea.  It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off and does something about it who makes a difference."

I'm a big fan of connectivity and social media.  It's extremely likely that you're reading this because you were lead here via social media. What I'm not a fan of is our tendency to mistake ideas for action.  On one hand, because of our high level of connectivity, it's never been easier for you to take your dream and make it a reality.  On the other hand, because of our high level of connectivity, it's never been easier for you to take your dream and feel like you're making it a reality . . . but all you're doing is talking about it.

I've been guilty of this.  For four years, I've been saying I'm going to write a book and start a coaching business.  Four years is a long time to think and talk about an idea with no real action.  Late last year, I got serious and set some goals. Six months later, my book manuscript is more than 50% written, my coaching website is more than 50% built, I've got a Life-Plan retreat for men scheduled and open for registration later this year, and I'm pursuing ongoing coaching-training down three distinct avenues.  What changed?  Ideas became plans.  Plans became action. It's a series of simple, step-by-step decisions.  

So, my hope for you is simple.  I hope you won't mistake ideas for action.  I do hope you have big ideas. But even more than that, I hope you take your ideas and make them a reality.  Think of it this way.  There are people in this world who need you to share who you are with them.  Maybe it's time to build some action plans for those ideas.  If you need someone to help you on that journey, send me a quick email and let me know. Nothing would make me happier than to help you find your future and help you make your dreams a reality.

By the way, Seth Godin wrote a brilliant little post about what he calls the "Saying/Doing Gap".  Take 60 seconds and read it.  It will be worth your time.

Brand New LifePlan Experience dates for Men, Women & Couples! (April 2018)

You've heard it before.  No one plans to fail.  We only fail to plan.  The reason you've heard it before is that it's true. In the last year, over a dozen people have gone through this experience with outstanding results and we are excited to offer this experience again!  For more information on what this experience can do for you, check out the story of one of our past participants below:

"The Life Plan retreat changed the course of my life and gave me renewed hope and a strategic plan for my life. By reviewing my life's story and identifying my purpose, passions, and values, I was able to discern how God had shaped my life and prepared me to fulfill His plan in pursuit of my Kingdom purpose." 
~ Craig Cross - Oil and Natural Gas Consultant

We're very excited to be able to bring this experience to you again this year.  Mark your calendar and save your spot.  We're sure this one will fill up quickly.  It's for men, women or couples, it's super-affordable and it will be life-changing for anyone who engages the process.

This is for you if you are dealing with . . .

• A major life transition
• A move from success to significance
• Yearning to know what God has prepared you for next
• Burn-out and losing passion for life
• A desire to find a healthy life/work balance
• Increased fulfillment and meaning in life
• Alignment with who you are and what you do
• True success, as God defines it, in your most important life, family and work priorities

What are the details?
When: April 13-14 (This is not an overnight retreat.  See schedule below)
Where: Solace Church, Tulsa, OK
Cost: Earlybird Discount before February 23 is $349 per person.  After February 23, $399. (Covers meals, materials, the experience and a follow-up coaching session)
(*Done individually, this experience is priced at $1650*)
Deadline: The final deadline to register is Friday, March 30.  (50% deposit holds your spot)
*It's very likely it will fill up prior to this date, so move quickly.
Other: Maximum group of 12  (first come, first served)

Schedule: (breaks are built into the days)
*Friday (4/13) - 8:30am - 9pm
*Saturday (4/14) - 8:30am - 4pm

Below are two very helpful links that give you an overview and some more details:
One-page LPE overview
Three-page LPE detail 

How can I reserve my spot?

Just click here to hold your spot with a 50% deposit. You'll be billed separately for the remaining balance prior to the experience.

Click here to pay in full.