the beach in January?

It sounds funny, but we're leaving today for a few days in Ocean City, MD for a series of church leadership meetings. I've gone back and forth about this; some days dreading the intensity of days on the road with the boys and others feeling very excited about it all. I've decided to go with great anticipation.

I'm well into a new book entitled "How to be a hero to your kids". It's really helping me to examine myself and take inventory of how selfish I am and how much more of a dad my boys need me to be. I thank God so much for my family. I am such a blessed man.

I'm believing that God will help facilitate a few things this week . . .

1. A really fun family time in Ocean City with minimal stress and maximum enjoyment of each other.
   
2. Some new vision for where I fit into God's plan at our church.
   
3. Relationships with some of my co-workers to reach a higher level.

I believe we're entering a season where ministry is going to be fun again. If you know what I mean that's fine, if you don't, just skip it. It would take too long to explain in writing, but just know it's a good thing.

I'm a blessed man and it seems that God has not even begun. Thank the Lord!

I need God's help!

I've been really angry with my kids the last few days and I cannot put my finger on why. I've been short, rude and downright mean to them. I'd so appreciate any prayer you could say for me today. I desperately want to be a good dad to my boys . . . sometimes I feel like I just don't have it in me. I need more of God in me.

Deadly Vipers

I'm reading this great new book called "Deadly Viper Character Assassins" by Jud Wilhite and Mike Foster. It chronicles 7 "assassins" who are gunning for us as leaders. This morning I read about the assassin of amped emotions. I was thinking, judging by the title of the chapter, that it was going to talk about how leaders make rash decision based on emotional excitement and all that stuff.

But the chapter opened with one of the authors retelling a story of when he just lost his cool at his 5-year-old daughter and punched hole in the wall. At the end of the episode, he was left asking himself, "Is this who I'm becoming?"

Well, that just about brought me to tears and I felt a sick feeling in my gut. You see, my knuckles are just beginning to heal from my sparring session with the kitchen wall a couple weeks ago. I'm asking myself the same question, "Is this who I'm becoming?" I'm also answering my question. "NO!"

2008 is not just a new year, it's a new start for me. 2007 was great and made great strides, but I also let some character assassins creep into my life last year as well. This year they are getting the smack down and I am determined to be a man who reflects God's heart much more than I ever have before.

I've copied my goals for 2008 below (it's an unfinished list - still in progress) for you to join me in prayer on them.

Goals for 2008

• Spiritual

  • Build on my progress this year by . . .

    • Studying and understanding Revelation and SOS

    • Go on 2 personal prayer and meditation retreats (at least 6 hours)

    • Read at least 6 books this year that contribute to my spiritual growth

• Family

  • Have another baby – scheduled for July 23!

  • Begin a regular schedule of a “date a month” with Sara and the kids

    • Sara and I alone

    • Kids can be in a group or alone – it can vary

• Financial

  • Set up starter emergency fund ($1000)

  • pay off all debt, excluding the house

  • 3 months of expenses in an emergency fund

  • switch both IRAs to Roth

  • Set up a legal will

• Physical

  • Increase my strength

    • Bench Press

      • 300lb by May 23

      • 315lb by Dec 15

    • Leg Press

      • 450lb by May 23

      • 500lb by Dec 15

  • Increase my cardiovascular fitness

    • “Triathlon” time - 26 minutes by May 23
      

  • Lose the “spare tire” by May 23

  • Eating

    • make eating at night the exception rather than the rule

    • decide ahead of time to order what I should eat, not what I want to eat, at restaurants

• Work

  • Be in a complete oversight and coaching role for all 3 facets of SM

  • Begin one new ministry or facet of ministry

  • Add 3 new significant team members this year (leaders of leaders, not just helpers to me)

A new year

I rang in the new year last night in a new way. I was alone in my living room (everyone else was long since asleep) and I was working on e-mail and some new personal growth and goal stuff for 08 kind of watching Fox's New Year's Eve show. That was all the same, but when it got to be a couple minutes from midnight I turned off the TV and put the computer away and got on my knees in the living room and committed this year to the Lord.

I know that sounds like a "duh" kind of thing for someone who is really serious about serving God, but I've never done that before and I am just excited about 2008.

As I reflect on 2007, I would call it a good year, even a great one. But I just have a feeling of anticipation for 2008 that's building in me like crazy. I love that God's mercies are new every morning and ever year. This is a year to build on the past and of new beginnings all around.

Christmas seems weird this year

I said to my wife, Sara, the other day, "I think I'm getting kind of weird". What I meant is that I'm really changing in some deep ways lately. This has probably been one of my biggest years of personal growth I've ever had and it's certainly the deepest my growth as a person and a follower of Christ has ever gone. It's so significant that things that used to just seem ok to me don't anymore.

Today I'm thinking about Christmas and I'm just turned off with what we've made it. I'm not on the "Christmas is too commercial - baah humbug" bandwagon. I'm not upset at retailers or even those pathetic people who rush into Wal-Mart at 4am on black Friday like cattle. (I feel a bit sorry for them, but I'm not upset with them). I'm just dissatisfied with what I've allowed Christmas to become for myself, and in extension, my family.

I listed to a conversation yesterday with Chris Seay and Rick McKinley and they said two things that really struck a nerve in my spirit . . .

1. I think it was Chris who said it's pretty silly for us to give each other gifts on Christmas when it's the birth of Christ we're supposed to be celebrating. Shouldn't we be giving gifts to Christ if it's His birth? Matthew 25 gives us a clear example of how to give gifts to Christ.
2. One of them (I think Rick) said that this year Americans will spend $475 billion on Christmas, but the global crisis of clean drinking water could be solved for $10 billion. I have no idea if his numbers are right, but even if they're close I feel deeply convicted about being part of this.

It's December 23 and the gifts are purchased and some are already wrapped. I'm not planning on taking all my kids' gifts back to the stores and giving them a stocking with an orange and a peppermint stick for Christmas, but I am deeply stirred about what to do for next Christmas. I don't know the answer yet, but I think it will be different.

Ultimately, I'm just deeply bothered at how my culture just cycles the wealth and abundance around among those are already wealthy and live in abundance. When I say wealth and abundance, I mean me, my family and my friends; not "rich" people. I was bothered this year around Thanksgiving when I heard countless people talk about how Thanksgiving is about being with family. Is that it? No, it's not just about being with family. I'm very thankful for my family, but I'd much rather do something on Thanksgiving to give some other person a reason to be thankful for once than to just be with family and eat too much because 'that's what Thanksgiving is for'. We did this in a small way this year and I'm glad, but I have so far to go.

Please understand that I'm not against family. We have big plans to be with family all next week and I'm very much looking forward to it. Please pray with me that we are safe in our traveling and that we are a blessing to our family. The long trips with a van full of kids are very taxing on me and I usually come home from family visits feeling embarrassed at how I portrayed myself. I'm usually pretty frazzled from the whole experience of traveling and keeping 3 little boys from destroying whatever house we happen to be in on a given day, but that really does not matter. I'm a follower of Jesus Christ and my attitude ought to be the same as Christ's. I pray for that more than anything else for this next week.

So, I feel weird this Christmas . . . this year. I'm glad I feel weird. At least I feel something. Thank you Lord for waking me, just a bit, from my coma I've been in all my life. Merry Christmas!

a normal weekend . . . aah

It's Sunday morning and I just finished my third relatively peaceful night of sleep. Praise God that my boys are finally healthy and sleeping through the night. We actually went to church last night. Colin threw up in the ladies bathroom, but I think that was just because he ate too much junk food off the dinner table in the sanctuary. My bad. I should have been watching him more closely. I played drums last night at church. Yes, I was ridiculously rusty and I wrecked a couple spots of certain songs, but it was really nice to play again. I'm so looking forward to playing in the future.

I've been thinking a lot about the future. Some of the specifics I think of of . . .

• missions trips with my kids instead of being sick with how much I miss them
• there is an army of staff kids at church who are going to just blow this world apart for Jesus in a few short years. I think to myself how much more affective we'll all be then. Right now we are all limited by the young age of our kids. Not long from now, our kids will actually be adding momentum to the ministries we're all doing.

I love my job. I basically see my job as a leader in two places; my home and my church. I happen to get paid for the church part, but I don't see much of a distinction. Of course the needs at home always trump the needs at church, but the two sides are so deeply connected and complimentary. I just love it and could not imagine doing anything else. I hope God keeps me here doing what I'm doing - my role ever-evolving, but still here in this place.

Christmas is approaching and I'm praying for safety for our traveling to NY in a couple weeks. I'm also praying for protection for our family in a few other ways. I don't know if anybody really reads these posts, but if you do will you pray these things with me now? Thank you.

Well, my boys are stirring and I need to finish up so I'm 100% available to them when they get up. I'm so looking forward to a day with them.

tonight I'm a stunted shrub

It's Monday night and I feel like yesterday was Thursday. This weekend was among the worst I've ever walked through. Couple a horrendous schedule with my twin boys being very sick and it felt like insanity most of the time. Still does. I'm peaceful right now, but I know that just under the surface I'm way too angry and way too volatile.

As I had a few hours to myself tonight I was struck with my own selfishness. I'm appalled and embarrassed at how often and how highly I think of myself. I've spent the last few days being deeply angry with my precious little boys, who can't help that their coughing leads to vomiting, and God who I loathe at times for "not caring" although I'm blessed beyond measure. Just when my boys need their daddy's comfort they get his anger and frustration. Just when my Daddy needs appreciation and love from his boy He gets yet more anger and frustration.

Jer 17:5-10 - This is what the LORD says: "Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans and turn their hearts away from the LORD. 6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, on the salty flats where no one lives.

7 "But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. 8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.

9 "The human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? 10 But I know! I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve." NLT


I've proved Scripture to be true again. My heart is desperately wicked. I wish it were not, but the last few days have proved that to me again. I struggle desperately with being a good father and husband. I want to be so badly and feel so terrible when I fail. Tonight I'm a stunted shrub. Someday I'll be a tree planted along a riverbank.